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Cardboard Wings. - Balinares — LiveJournal

Jan. 12th, 2011

01:30 am - Cardboard Wings.

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I can't tell if it's a failure of the English vocabulary or of my mastery thereof, but there are emotions for which I have no name.

There's one, in particular, that I am thinking of. It fills you slowly as you are reading a certain book, or absorbing a certain movie -- not all, by far, only a very select few books or movies have that kind of power -- and you don't notice it very much at first; and then you turn the last page, or watch the credits scroll while the end music plays, and soon you are filled with a feeling of acute bereavement from it being over.

This... well, this is something I'd have by default assumed to be the result of my own brain chemistry and its particular idiosyncrasies. I do that. And then, early in my Internet days, I heard others mention it. And now, what I assume to be a flavor of it made the news. So what defines that emotion, I guess, is the shape of the void it leaves after it's gone, some sort of melancholic longing for something beautiful and impossible.

The funny thing about it is that, at some point, back when I was a wee kid, I had no difficulty prolonging that emotion on my own after the source was gone. The other universe and its beautiful workings just lived on easily in my mind and in the childlike games I played.

So it goes for a while. And then you age just a little bit, and suddenly something departs, and you're just a kid with cardboard wings.

And you feel kinda dumb, and you trash the wings, in part due to shame, in part because cardboard is so stupidly inadequate, it only makes the longing worse.

That was then, this is now. In a way, what has animated my creative endeavors (or, to be honest, the ineffective, flailing pretense thereof), I realize, was the hunt for wings that wouldn't feel stunted so, metaphorically speaking. I'm groping in the dark here, I realize, to express something I'm still mostly confused about, but I hope you get the gist of the idea?

So, anyway, why all the blathering? Well, I turned 34 last week, and suddenly, for no reason I can fathom, it's like being that age again, overnight.

No shit. I misplaced all of the world's magic. Again. It'll turn up sooner or later, I'm confident, but dude.

Aging: not cool.

Comments:

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From:baxil
Date:January 12th, 2011 02:22 am (UTC)
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Mono no aware? Sehnsucht? Saudade?

Whatever it is, much sympathy. I'm 34 this year, and while there haven't been any sudden leaps like you seem to have had, the magic has been receding for a while.
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From:balinares
Date:January 13th, 2011 12:25 pm (UTC)
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It might be something from the periphery of sehnsucht and saudade, yes, although, I think, more specifically applied to works of fiction.

If I find a way to pump up the magic somehow, I'll let you know. *noses*
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From:crustycurmudgeo
Date:January 12th, 2011 03:15 am (UTC)
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Perhaps its the winter blahs?

Like you mention, I've crashed upon finishing a good book, returning to the regular world after total immersion is difficult.

I sometimes wonder if technology keeps advancing if we won't be able to synthesize such fantasy worlds to enjoy all the time. If so, would it be a good thing?
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From:balinares
Date:January 13th, 2011 12:30 pm (UTC)
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The winter blahs might have something to do with it. We'll find out in spring, I guess.

Also, virtual worlds would certainly be awesome, but I suspect that, just like now, the execution will still matter more than the medium. (But, dude, would virtual worlds be awesome.)
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From:jallora
Date:January 12th, 2011 12:53 pm (UTC)
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Hence my need for "mourning" time after finishing a book I particularly liked, or the need for silence after a good movie.

I used to be able, just like you, to re create those worlds easily (sometimes far too easily), to fantasize and dream about them, and that ability now seems to be gone, or very reduced. It doesn't keep me from loving them, and admiring the work of the man or woman who, for a time, could take me there.

The magic feeds itself. Maybe it's the lack of magic, more than any years you can add to your life, which is responsible for this "grown up" feeling. I feel a little responsible for the lack of magic in your life, I wish there was something I could do about it.

But please, don't despise cardboard wings. Sooner or later, I hope your son(s) will run around the house with them, and then, there will be magic, I promise.
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From:balinares
Date:January 13th, 2011 12:33 pm (UTC)
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This, all this, is why I'm so glad I ever found you. ♥


Edited at 2011-01-13 06:01 pm (UTC)
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From:issarlk
Date:January 15th, 2011 01:19 am (UTC)
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Personally, I decided to be 32 forever to avoid that problem.

Here's something to pump up some magic
http://www.youtube.com/user/pensivepony
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From:balinares
Date:January 16th, 2011 05:54 pm (UTC)
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You are wise beyond your years.

Also, yeah. I do know about those videos. I'm not a fan of the new MLP character design, but I hear the new season kicks ass, so who am I to complain about quality pony stuff? :)
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From:kelfstein
Date:January 27th, 2011 07:13 am (UTC)
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Age can kill the magic if you let it. I let it happen to me but I am slowly bringing it back for myself. You have to see the magic in a stunning sunrise or a glorious sunset, the light of a full moon at night, frost on the grass, snow in the trees, simple pleasures and quiet joys. Seeing the delight of a child can make it easier for some. Science can kill magic or make it real if you learn what to look for fractals to me a magical and astronomy which can show one wonders.

I am 48 and would love to be 34 again, it is all a matter of perspective, youth is wasted on the young.
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From:balinares
Date:January 27th, 2011 11:35 pm (UTC)
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I know! It'll come back to me eventually. It's just one of those winters...
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From:luna_the_cat
Date:February 27th, 2011 12:52 am (UTC)
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I know the feeling. I know how it feels when you realise your ability to tap into the magic has faded, too. The good news is, you can get it back; I've found that there are fewer new things that take me out of myself so thoroughly, but nevertheless, I do still keep finding things that do that.
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