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Monday, Grey. - Balinares — LiveJournal

Sep. 26th, 2005

03:18 am - Monday, Grey.

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There should be a law that makes Monday a day off if the weekend has been too morose.

Still highly ponderous. Initiatives of affection gestures went mildly wayward. I must be doing something wrong. I think I simply don't know how to deal with people whom I like more than they like me. My natural inclination is to... put in too much devotion toward them, I suppose. Get out of my way to do things for them. As if that would make a difference. I still end up feeling frustrated, and unwanted/unworthy/useless/etc. You name it.

I should make myself an icon or somesuch that would mean 'You people whom I like more than you like me, now would not be a bad time to send casual, gratuitous little gestures of attention my way', for when I'm in this sort of mood, but I'd probably end up using it too often. That, and, hmm, should it happen that people failed to take notice (as will likely happen for about anyone who has, you know, other hobbies beside second-guessing me from dawn to dusk :P), it would likely have a counterproductive effect anyway.

At least I'm learning to return the attention when it happens that it's me who is on the receiving end of that situation. This is probably a good thing. Do unto others, etc.

Yesterday was Horseriding Lesson Day. I ache considerably less than last week. Either I'm already getting back into it physically (doubtful, really -- that wouldn't happen in one single session...), or I didn't push myself as hard this time. Probably the latter. My mount was a friendly chestnut colossus of much goodwill but more placidity still. Forget him registering any heel action without spurs. And even with them, god was it a struggle. I don't have the muscles for the sort of firm and precise heel actions he would have needed anymore. Somewhat frustrating, not to mention exhausting, but it did improve a little before the end.

We also got to spend a nice intimate moment of bonding quietly, looking into each other's eyes as I was brushing my fingertips to his nostrils and stroking his mane, for a good long while. That was good. I need more of that simple sort of things.

Comments:

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From:kefen
Date:September 26th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)
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(Second-guessing you is actually a very challenging kind of hobby, really :))
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From:balinares
Date:September 26th, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
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Perhaps it would be for the better if it wasn't so, though...
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[User Picture]
From:kefen
Date:September 26th, 2005 10:15 pm (UTC)
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Maybe. But then maybe many other people can read you much more easily than I can, after all, you know.
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From:balinares
Date:September 26th, 2005 11:36 pm (UTC)
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I don't know. Perhaps. They never told me, if so.
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From:strawcat
Date:September 27th, 2005 02:01 am (UTC)
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*second-guesses*

Is there any other way to know?

Anyway, the horseriding deal sounds so sweet, especially if you have time to get to know each other.

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From:balinares
Date:September 28th, 2005 01:56 pm (UTC)
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You know... That's an excellent point.
And the answer is that I don't know.
In this particular case... If I go and demand attention (or small measures of affection) from those involved, they gladly provide it. But it's... just not the same thing as if they took the initiative themselves. The latter case implies a form of proactivity that means they do care, and are not... I don't know, just placating me?
Only, for them to do that without me asking requires them going and spending the time to second-guess me, and, frankly, just why should they?


And yeah, I had greatly missed hanging around with horses. I'm so glad I could find myself a small riding school with a friendly atmosphere, where you have all the time you want to bond with the horses. Horseriding schools can easily be a little... stiff in the neck, really.
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From:luna_the_cat
Date:September 27th, 2005 07:17 pm (UTC)
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Horseriding: good. [[envy]]

Frustrating lack of returned affection: bad. [[sympathy]]

Simple things, activity, peacefulness...I hope they help.
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From:balinares
Date:September 28th, 2005 03:23 pm (UTC)
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Thanks, dear. :)

It was in fact not that difficult, given the right mood. I just got into my car and got there and... the morning after, I was riding. Which did have the sort of odd feel to it that things long dreamt about can have when they come real -- with the countless unglamorous little details that dreams don't have, like a slightly chilly weather or needing spurs you don't have with you or a wrinkle in your sock just where it's uncomfortable. It's always so different from the distilled, pristine purity of dreams, isn't it?

But as usual, despite my initial mental inertia I ended up enjoying myself a lot, and all is good. :)
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