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September 26th, 2005 - Balinares — LiveJournal

Sep. 26th, 2005

03:18 am - Monday, Grey.

There should be a law that makes Monday a day off if the weekend has been too morose.

Still highly ponderous. Initiatives of affection gestures went mildly wayward. I must be doing something wrong. I think I simply don't know how to deal with people whom I like more than they like me. My natural inclination is to... put in too much devotion toward them, I suppose. Get out of my way to do things for them. As if that would make a difference. I still end up feeling frustrated, and unwanted/unworthy/useless/etc. You name it.

I should make myself an icon or somesuch that would mean 'You people whom I like more than you like me, now would not be a bad time to send casual, gratuitous little gestures of attention my way', for when I'm in this sort of mood, but I'd probably end up using it too often. That, and, hmm, should it happen that people failed to take notice (as will likely happen for about anyone who has, you know, other hobbies beside second-guessing me from dawn to dusk :P), it would likely have a counterproductive effect anyway.

At least I'm learning to return the attention when it happens that it's me who is on the receiving end of that situation. This is probably a good thing. Do unto others, etc.

Yesterday was Horseriding Lesson Day. I ache considerably less than last week. Either I'm already getting back into it physically (doubtful, really -- that wouldn't happen in one single session...), or I didn't push myself as hard this time. Probably the latter. My mount was a friendly chestnut colossus of much goodwill but more placidity still. Forget him registering any heel action without spurs. And even with them, god was it a struggle. I don't have the muscles for the sort of firm and precise heel actions he would have needed anymore. Somewhat frustrating, not to mention exhausting, but it did improve a little before the end.

We also got to spend a nice intimate moment of bonding quietly, looking into each other's eyes as I was brushing my fingertips to his nostrils and stroking his mane, for a good long while. That was good. I need more of that simple sort of things.

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